Daily Routine

This might be more than anyone will really care about, sorry. Pregnancy turned me into an emotional wreck.

When Blaine was first born I was looking forward to developing a routine. We're almost there, but I don't really like the routine we're working with.

I always knew I wanted to nurse my babies. I thought that there was nothing else in this world greater than the gift that only a mother can give to her child. In fact, after waiting for an hour and a half after my c-section to see my baby, the first thing I was able to do was breast feed; and the first thing I said after being given my baby, as I watched him eat for the first time, was "There is nothing else in the world more beautiful than this. I love this." And then I started to cry.

As I soon found out, having a big baby meant a lot of eating. For the first three weeks Blaine was eating every 2 hours for about an hour at a time. It was exhausting, especially at night. Some nights it was so hard to drag myself out of bed, and I could barely keep my eyes open as I fed him. Some nights RJ even had to stay with me while I fed him because I was falling asleep as he was eating. It was so hard adjusting to a newborn that never slept and always ate. My body only had an hour to rest between feedings, and I will admit that it was a little bit more than I could bare. Due to my high anxiety, I couldn't breastfeed like I wanted to. My sweet husband went with me to Target to buy the nicest pump they had, and we bought the bottles we wanted online. I started pumping and gave Blaine a bottle only at night, and it was perfect. I was able to enjoy nursing him during the day, and RJ could give me a break from feedings at night but Blaine was still getting breast milk. It was perfect. My anxiety started to calm down, and my body was given the break that it needed. I was able to give my baby all that he needed and all that I wanted, even if I had to compromise on using a bottle.

At four weeks Blaine started getting better at eating faster and his feedings went to every 4 hours. This was even better! We were able to go to the indoor track at school, or the grocery store, or even take a nap (of course with me holding him on the couch) and I was feeling much more rested. I thought that I was finally adjusting to being the mother of a big baby who loved to eat.

At five weeks, he went back to eating every 3 hours. And then at six weeks he went back to eating every 2 hours, and he was eating for about an hour to an hour and a half. I thought that he was going through a growth spurt, but then I realized that he was eating so much because he wasn't getting enough. I started counting his diapers, and after 3 days of not enough wet diapers I started to worry. Blaine was always crying, never sleeping, and always hungry. I knew I had to do something for my sweet baby boy, even if it broke my heart on the inside. We went and bought formula, and agreed to only give it to him for a few of his feedings until my milk supply came back.

I started pumping frantically, hoping that the over-stimulation would bring back my milk supply. It worked for a few days and I was able to get a nice amount of breast milk storage. I was able to nurse, and give bottles of breast milk and formula. Blaine was getting about 2-3 bottles of formula a day, and although I didn't like it, I knew it was better that he was eating, and my body seemed to be producing again.

Then I started to notice that the amount of breast milk I was producing was going down by the day, no matter how hard I tried, and the amount of formula we were giving him was increasing. And now, at 9 weeks old, he is exclusively eating formula.

It breaks my heart.

He's still eating every 3 hours during the day, and at night he is going for 7-8 hour stretches which is fabulous. I'm so glad that we live in a world where formula is available, because I don't know what I would have done for my baby if I was living in a time where it wasn't available. I shudder at the thought of what could have happened to my sweet little man since I have the inability to feed him.

My daily routine now consists of a ton of bottle washing. Every time I wash his bottles I cry. Every single time. Sometimes, when I am aware of the people around me, I will cry just a tear or two so no one will notice. At night, when I am preparing his bottles for the next day, I cry so hard that my tears blur my vision.

Two of my sisters-in-law have been here and are aware that I have had to switch to formula, and they have both tried to console me since they have gone through similar situations. RJ is constantly trying to remind me that I did the best thing for Blaine, since he was getting dehydrated from the lack of breast milk I could provide.

It doesn't help.

I feel like I should have gone into the hospital with a better knowledge of breast feeding. There are many things that I wish I wouldn't have done from the very beginning, one of them is that I wish I wouldn't have given Blaine a pacifier so soon. I think it just lead to more problems than it actually helped. I blame myself for the fact that he is only eating from a bottle now; I don't know how it couldn't be my fault.

Having a c-section was hard enough for me to accept. I felt like nursing my baby was the only way that I could use my body in the way that Heavenly Father designed it. Now I have lost that beautiful gift, and I miss it every second of every day.

I don't think I will ever forgive myself for this happening. I just hope I can get to a point where I don't feel like breaking down at the thought of it.